Danny 1

(A work in progress. Also, to read the intro, see previous entry.)

When I got home from work, I only had one thing on my mind. At seventeen, my life revolved around being active. I was not the kind of teenager that would be found in the library, stuck in front of the television, watching shows or playing video games, or glued to the computer, wasting my time on social networking sites or looking for ways to save and waste my money. If I wasn’t being held down by classes or a part time job, I was getting sweaty outdoors or in an ice rink. Because it was summer and snow and ice no longer covered the ground, all I wanted was to grab my skateboard and get out to the skate park.

“Wait, Danny,” my mom said. “We need to talk.”

“I’m in a hurry,” I said, impatient and reluctant to hear her out.

Dad stood from the sofa and took Mom’s side. “You’re always in a hurry, son, and you’re always out doing something. But this is serious.”

I sighed and slumped back into the living room. I hated serious talks with my parents. The last one we had involved Grandma having a stroke.

They looked at one another, and then me.

“So, what’s going on?” I asked when no one spoke.

Mom took a deep breath, but Dad was the one to speak.

“I got this great opportunity to work in China.”

This was not a surprise. Dad’s work as an architect was what brought us to New England in the first place, so that he could teach at a prestigious school. When he was not teaching, he always had opportunities overseas to teach or be involved in some sort of project. I was already well prepared to hear of these kinds of arrangements, so I didn’t understand why they were making it seem like it was some big deal. And why the hell were they looking at me like they were trying too hard to keep a straight face?

The joke’s on me, right?

“Well, Danny, I’m going to be in China for over a year, perhaps more.”

That set an alarm off. He had never been away for that long before. “What are you saying?” I asked carefully, afraid of what they might be thinking. “You can’t expect me to move to another country my senior year!”

“You’re right, that wouldn’t be fair. But, we’re making many sacrifices so that I can take advantage of this opportunity.”

Mom finally spoke up. “This isn’t something I could let your dad pass up. And because we don’t know exactly how long this project will take, I’ll go with him.”

I took a deep breath. Okay, my parents leaving would be hard, especially during my last year in high school when I had so many things going for me, but if it’s what they wanted, I could deal with it. For as long as I could remember – minus those awkward few years of middle school when I hated everyone – my parents and I had always had a close relationship. It was easy to talk to them about my personal life without feeling embarrassed or without them having to force information out of me. Not having them around was hard to imagine, but I was a practical guy, even at seventeen. I knew I was just about to hit adulthood and my parents would have a whole new life after that, one that did not involve raising a kid. So if they wanted to get an early start on that, I could respect that.

“With Grandma’s health problems, and her moving, she couldn’t possibly take on the task as your guardian.”

Grandma, a lively, energetic old woman who loved to use her hands and travel, and made the best damn blueberry cookies in the world, had decided to move into a senior living center after her small stroke. Her two-story house on the outskirts of town resembled a mini museum, filled with treasures collected from her travels around the world in her younger days. The yard, especially the back, was a massive garden overflowing with exotic plants and flowers, a pond with a waterfall and working windmill that was home to frogs and fish. As a kid, when I still lived on the other side of the country, I used to poke at the life in the water with a stick, convinced there were monsters in there. It was a beautiful property and we all hated to see it go, but Grandma was older now, and was in no condition to maintain it herself, even with the help of a gardener. She was such an independent, vibrant women that it had shocked us all when she told us she had decided to move.

Grandma moving still wasn’t a big deal. This was an easy fix. I could just live with Ryan, my best friend and partner in crime.

“Danny, I don’t think you’re completely grasping the situation. We’re not making you move to China, but you’re not staying here.”

Something inside me started to twist and stir the liquids of what was supposed to be my stomach. “What does that mean?”

But I already knew. They didn’t have to tell me. Without them having to actually come out and say it, I could envision the scenario they had planned for me. There was only one other place they would send me, a place I was more than happy to avoid.

They couldn’t really force me to do anything, could they? I mean, I was pretty big for a seventeen year old. They couldn’t physically force me to go anywhere. So I would refuse to go along with it, simple as that. How could they make me move, my senior year in high school! How could they expect me to just pack up and go back there after all these years? My life wasn’t there anymore, it was here. It had been seven years and I had long gotten over the shock of leaving. They couldn’t do this to me now.

My fears were confirmed.

“We are sending you to live with Uncle Alex and Aunt Gwen.”

I jumped to my feet. “You can’t be serious! Mom! Dad! Please tell me you’re joking! I’m almost eighteen. Why can’t I just stay with Ryan?”

“No, I’m sorry. A year is too long for that kind of an arrangement.”

“We thought you would be comfortable there. You would get to spend the year with Amanda. If anything, we thought you would appreciate that.”

My fingers curled into tight fists. I couldn’t think of that. I had to think of how I could get out of this.

But when it came down to it, nothing I could say would change their minds, and it had been decided against my will that I would be moving to the West Coast in a little over a month. I was a creature of habit, and change was not welcome, especially when I had worked so hard to get to where I was. Not wanting to listen to any more, I grabbed my board and did what I did best. Run.

With the warm air and soft sunshine mixed with my isolation, I could not stop the thoughts and memories from pouring in.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Of course I remembered the town I had grown up in. I knew it like the back of my hand. It was a small beach community that had somehow gotten left behind with the advancement of time. It was like the past still lived on in this happy place where community and tradition were cherished and old cars, bikinis, and surfboards were never far from sight. Antique shops could be found on every street corner and businesses were still owned and managed by locals, not Corporate America. Activists were always finding new things to protest and organic and natural food stores were favored over grocery chains.

I had lived in this beach haven until I was ten, and then spent every summer there until I was fifteen. Great family and friends lived in this happy community, and precious memories stuck in my head. Parents, and the adults in general, could be a little uptight and protective of what their children did or were exposed to, but it was still a great place to grow up.

My cousin, Amanda, had lived just next door when we were growing up, and she and her parents still live in that house, only blocks away from the beach I knew so well. Being only months apart, we were raised like twins and spent almost every waking moment together. Some days we would play with her dolls and Barbies, and other days we would play with my toy guns and racecars. Our parents used to joke that neither one needed to have more kids, since they already shared two. We had actually gotten into the habit of calling one another the sibling we never had.

With those things in mind, I shouldn’t have been so devastated by the fact that I had to move back there. But almost two years had gone by since I last visited, and I had finally moved on and stopped longing to bring my life back there. I didn’t even go back for Brandon’s funeral. Making me go back now almost seemed like a sick joke.

Automatically, my mindless wandering brought me to the skate park my friends and I had built in a lone clearing in the woods. The city had lacked a proper skate park, so we had decided to build our own, and were more than surprised when we actually pulled it off. It still was not the ideal skate park, but there were more ramps here then anywhere else in town.

Soon after my move to New England, I was introduced to the competitive world of sports. Of course on the West Coast skateboarding was a thing many people took up, but in my hometown, skateboarding and surfing were more like activities to pass the time. But in my new home across the country, I was presented to competitions of all sorts – skateboarding, snowboarding, football, lacrosse, and hockey. After our move, I was so down and miserable that I could barely get out of bed or leave the house, so my parents encouraged my involvement in the sports kids my age were involved in. That was how I met Ryan, in fact. He lived just down the street and was always playing and practicing outside. My parents always insisted I join him and make friends but it was the furthest thing from my mind. All I wanted was to go back to the coast, to where the beach and sun could always be found, and where the best friends a kid could ever have were located. How could anyone here measure up?

After much persuasion, I finally got in the habit of joining Ryan when I saw him outside. And to my surprise and enjoyment, the more I played, the more I realized that I was actually a good athlete. Skills and techniques were easy for me to pick up on and mimic. Even early on, I always ranked high in whatever individual event I participated in. As I became more advanced in hockey, my coach had become insistent that I attend hockey camp and try out for the junior league, which was why I stopped visiting Amanda in the first place.

Even though I was talked into going to camp and taking my hockey more seriously, I also finally realized that me not visiting my old home was probably a good thing, and that her family visiting mine during winter breaks was best for me. Each time I returned home from my summer trips to the coast, my depression and misery would return, and I would have to thrust myself back into my life of competition to get over it.

As high school drew closer to ending, I tried thinking about my future, but it was still hazy. I knew I wanted to go to college, but I also knew I did not want to be an architect like my dad, or work in an office building in some fancy high rise. At the same time, though, I did not think I was cut out for a life in the NHL, though I was constantly told differently. My involvement in extreme sports had begun out of fun and enjoyment, and I kept at it because I was good at them and needed an outlet. Now that it could actually become a reality, could I really see myself trying to become the next Tony Hawk or Sean White? I wasn’t necessarily convinced, but trained relentlessly anyway.

Thoughts and questions continued to swirl around in my head as I followed the path down to our makeshift skate ramp. Once I was close enough, I immediately spotted Ryan. He wasn’t hard to miss, though, as his hair was always a different hue and stuck up and out into crazy spikes. Right then, his hair was bright blue. He tried talking me into skating, but I was no longer in the mood. Finally, he asked me what was wrong and I told him the news.

"Man," he said, "that really sucks." He grinned, trying to make the situation better. "But now with you gone, the star of the school, all the girls will have to settle for the best friend."

I laughed and shoved him. "I can’t believe this crap."

“What about Hanna?”

I looked at him oddly. “What about her? We already broke up.”

“Right, but I always thought you guys would eventually get back together. She’s like your biggest fan.”

I shuddered. “Which eventually made dating her creepy as hell.”

Ryan laughed. “So with you gone, is it cool if I ask her out?”

I knew he was only joking. Hanna was not his type. He liked dark haired beauties with long legs and who dug PDA and bossing him around.

“She’s all yours,” I said.

As Ryan jumped back on his board, the sadness and frustration sank in. One day soon enough, I would have to leave this all behind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I finally found the courage to call Amanda. It wasn’t that I was afraid of what we might say to one another, it was more that her excitement would make the situation all the more real.

I put off talking about the move for as long as possible.

“So, what’s going on with you?”

It was clear by the sound of her voice that she was over the moon. I held my breath as I waited for her response.

"Oh, it's okay." It was silent for a moment. "You know Todd, right?" she asked, her voice filling.

"Of course. How could I forget?"

"Well, we are officially a couple now."

That was kind of shocking. Todd had been a good friend of mine. How weird it was to think that he and Amanda were together. How appalling it was to think of them kissing! The last time I had seen him he had grown into a cocky and arrogant son of a bitch. Why would she date someone like that?

"Wow," I told her, my voice unenthusiastic. "That's . . . interesting."

"Oh, shut up. What about you?"

"What about me?"

“Are you still with that Hanna girl?”

“No.”

Amanda was surprised. "What? Why? You two seemed like such a cute little couple. You two looked so great together in that picture of junior prom. Don’t you just love the Internet and these social networking sites? I feel like I still know everything about you."

“You do,” I insisted.

I hated that picture of junior prom, and I hated keeping up a stupid Internet page just so people could spy on me. I hated school dances, and the only reason why I went to that one was because Hanna had begged me. I may be stubborn, but when it comes down to it, I'm a real sucker when it comes to girls.

Anger threatened to burst out of me. With everything else building up, this conversation was only a reminder of the unavoidable.

"We had been going out for six months. I was too busy and she was becoming too clingy. It's not like it mattered. I'm leaving now anyways. We couldn't have gone out with me living across the country," I snapped.

Amanda was quiet for a moment. “I’m sorry, Danny. I know this must be hard for you.”

“Do you really?” I boiled. “You’ve never had to experience anything like this. You’ve lived in the same house, with the same friends and school your entire life. I don’t feel like I belong there anymore. I’m a completely different person.”

I could hear Amanda’s deep breaths. Finally, she spoke. “You’re not the only one that’s changed,” she snapped back. “And this move is hard on everyone, not just you. Do you really think this is how your parents saw their only son spending their last year in school? You’ll be off to college next year, or on your way to becoming the next skateboard star. When will they get another chance to see you off?”

“I get it,” I muttered, feeling even worse than I had before I called.

“Look, I get that you’re upset and this isn’t what you had in mind. But I for one am pretty damn excited. It’s been so long since we’ve lived in the same place, and I’m so glad that we get to spend senior year together. I hope you can eventually learn to enjoy it.”

“I hope you’re right, Maddy,” I said quietly, using the name I had given her as a kid. I don’t know why – maybe my thoughts were too focused on my old home and old life, but I voiced the question that always seemed to linger in the back of my head, though I denied it. “How’s Natalie?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Natalie was Amanda’s best friend. When we were kids and I still lived on the coast, Amanda, Natalie, and I all lived in a row – Amanda’s house was to the left of mine, and Natalie’s was to the right. Being so close, the three of us always seemed to play. As I got older, I found more guy friends, but Amanda and Natalie always seemed to be the two that I turned to the most. It was about the time when I was noticing how Natalie was different than the rest of the girls I knew that I got the news I was moving across the country.

But every summer I would return, and it was like life would pick up right where it had left off. I would surf and spend time with my guy friends during the days, and then spend my evenings with Amanda and Natalie on the front porch or pier.

My crush on Natalie was inevitable. I could not help but notice things about her, like when she smiled, one dimple would form on her left cheek. She reminded me of a ray of sunshine. I don’t know how she did it, but she always seemed to bring the best out of people.

As a young teenager, I was utterly hesitant to express my feelings towards the girl I liked. When I finally found the courage to first tell Amanda, she had grinned and said, “I thought so.” But of course Amanda would know how I felt about Natalie. How could she not see it coming?

The summer during my thirteenth year was an incredible milestone in my developing years. I had been sitting in the sand with my friends when Natalie approached me. She dragged me away, saying she wanted to talk about something. We wandered down to the little marina where small sailboats were docked.

For a long time we sat at the end of the dock with our feet in the water. I remember so clearly, even after all the time that’s gone by, how Natalie was wearing a simple pink tank top and a jean skirt. Her golden brown hair blew in the wind. Though I was only thirteen, I knew I wanted to take note of how she looked at that moment for future reference.

We sat in silence for the longest time, staring at the water and the sky. She suddenly stood up and started pacing.

"Danny," she said looking at me. She then stopped pacing and stood directly above me. "Danny, there is no easy way for me to say this," she said.
Her voice was almost too quick for me to understand. My heart pounded hard against my chest. She knew I liked her. Someone told, and when I found out who did, I would be sure to exact my revenge. How stupid I was! She was confronting me to tell me she did not feel the same.

"I like you," she said, surprising me and tearing me away from my negativity. "I think I always have.”

As she stood before me, I could see the fear of doubt and uncertainty in her, the same doubt and uncertainty that I had. I couldn’t help but be surprised that we shared the same fears, that she had actually thought and fretted over this before.

"I need to know, or I'll go insane. Do you like me, too?"

It happened so fast and sudden. In just a matter of minutes, the mystery of whether she liked me or not had been solved. I could not help but be confused. So was this the part where I confessed my feelings? Did I tell her everything, or keep it vague? How was I, at thirteen, supposed to know what to do?

Natalie stared at me, her large brown eyes growing larger, waiting for me to answer. I could tell that she was rapidly growing impatient as she pulled at her fingers.

I stood slowly, my back to the water, and scratched my head. She stood motionless and very quiet, waiting for any kind of answer.

It was not my intentions to leave her hanging for so long. In my simple little mind, I was still trying to understand all that had happened. Standing silently probably wasn’t the best route, but this was my first girl experience. I didn’t know how else to react.

Finally, I smiled and lowered my head, feeling my cheeks and ears burn. The next thing I felt was her throwing her arms around me, so sudden and unexpected in fact, that I stepped backwards, into air, and we both fell into the water. We swam towards one another, and as we floated in the water staring, we shared our first kiss. It was not something I would admit to anyone other than Amanda. Though I lacked experiences with kissing, I always knew that I wanted my first kiss to be with Natalie. No other girl, on either sides of the country, could compare to this wet girl bobbing in the water in front of me.

That was the only kiss we shared that summer, and when I had to go back home to New England, my little heart was crushed. This had been the hardest summer yet that I had to say goodbye to. The depression lasted for weeks, and I buried my feelings by skating and playing other sports. But as the summer crept up again, I could not help but feel anxious. How would Natalie feel about me now, a year later? We had kept in touch via the Internet, but it just wasn’t the same as seeing her in person. It was almost like the distance turned us into strangers.

When I returned, to my relief, she still felt the same, and our little romance picked up right where we had left off, only this time we kissed quite often, and even held hands when no one was looking. Though it was a happy summer, I still had it in the back of my head that I would have to leave again, and this would have to end. The fear drove me crazy, and when it came time for me to leave, the depression sank in once again, and this time it was almost unbearable. I literally thought I was going to die of sadness. What kind of reaction was that to have over having to leave a girl? I was confused, and pissed off with myself. What kind of guy responds to the end of a summer romance by locking himself up in the house? It was embarrassing, and I refused to talk with anyone about her, or my feelings. I wouldn’t even confide in Amanda.

My parents grew worried and almost decided that it would be best for me not to return the following summer. When the time came, though, they just didn’t have the heart to keep me away. That last summer I visited was the best summer a fifteen year old could have imagined having – I spent the summer on the beach with a beautiful girl, surfing and hanging out with friends. Boredom, the enemy of childhood and adolescence, was never present.

One evening, as the sun was setting, I pulled out a beaded anklet I had picked up from one of the street vendors, and placed it in her hand.

Her eyes beamed as she gazed at it. “I love it,” she whispered, and immediately knelt down to put it on. Instead of standing back up, she settled into the grass. She looked up at me, her eyes suddenly filling with tears. “I don’t want you to leave.”

I sat down next to her, the fear in me growing. “I don’t either. Trust me, I don’t.”

She sighed sadly, but grinned. “But I know you’ll be back.”

I swallowed hard. “I’ll always come back, Natalie. Always. These summers are always the best part of my year. Back home I’m so busy. It’s like I’m trying to forget. . .”

I stopped. She looked over at me.

“Forget what?”

I couldn’t believe what I had almost said. Could it be true, though? Could my hectic schedule back home really be my way of suppressing feelings that never seemed to go away, or to forget about what I had left behind, to forget that I had left her?

I shook my head. “Just forget about, school, and grades.”

She was quiet for a moment. I could feel her staring at me. “Do you ever wonder,” she finally said, and then paused. “Do you ever wonder what things could be like if you hadn’t left?”

I looked over at her then, stunned. “Yes. All the time.”

She grabbed my hand and squeezed it. Feeling her hand in mine, the warmth of her soft skin, the fear settled into every nook and cranny of my body. How could I leave this? Things were perfect. I could always skate and play hockey here, and board up north. I didn’t have to go. I didn’t want to go.

“Natalie,” I said softly, but I didn’t know what else to say.

She smiled and stood up, and then extended her hand to me. “Come on, let’s head back. I don’t want Amanda to think that I’m hogging you on your last week in town.”

I took her hand and she helped me up. “I don’t mind.”

She met my eyes for a moment, and grinned. “I know.”

And then without so much as a warning, she kissed my lips and then wrapped her arms tightly around me. I returned her embrace and breathed in the soft sent of her golden brown hair. It was then that I decided to take drastic measures. I devised a half-assed plan, the best way a fifteen year old who had yet to acquire a driver’s license or make money working at a part time job, could. The night before I was supposed to leave, I exposed my flawed plan to Natalie, and she passionately agreed. Late after everyone had gone to bed, we snuck out and caught a bus north. I don’t know what it was we planned on doing, or where it was we planned on going. As long as we were together, it didn’t matter what else happened.

We didn’t get far. The police picked us up and took us home. Our plan was shattered, and I was forced to return to New England the next day.

I didn’t know why it was so hard this time, leaving her. There were no words that I could think of to describe how I was feeling. I didn’t want to feel this crushing pain. I didn’t want to feel like my life no longer had meaning. What the hell was wrong with me? This couldn’t be normal. This couldn’t be healthy. This couldn’t be how men reacted to women.

So upon returning home, I, like always, threw myself into activities. That was the year my hockey skills really flourished, probably because I was focused on nothing but keeping busy and ridding myself of these annoying feelings – at least until summertime.

When my coach came to my parents and me about going to hockey camp, I immediately said no. If I went to camp, the majority of my summer would be taken up. Though camp was only a week long, it was also in another state. And it wasn’t cheap. There would be no way I could make both trips.

My parents and coach were adamant that I not let this opportunity pass by. I was torn.

“Danny, I think the best thing for you is to go to this camp,” Dad told me, finding me upstairs in my room one evening. “I know you care about Natalie, but every time you come back, you’re like a different person. I worry when you come back that you might take drastic measures.”

What did he mean, drastic measures? I wasn’t stupid enough to hurt myself or try and run away again. “Dad . . .” I began, disinclined to start in on this topic.

He continued. “Just give it time.”

“Time? Don’t you think that’s what this is?”

“No, I mean try and get over her. Move on and date other people.”

“But I don’t want to.”

“I know, Daniel, but I think it’s best. If you guys really want to be together, there’s always college.”

I sighed and rolled my eyes. This was absolutely stupid.

“Just take advantage of what you have now. That’s all I want. Just be happy.”
Though I was annoyed with Dad, that conversation stuck with me. I couldn’t get over his words. The more I thought about it - my feelings and my dad’s advice, my reasons for not going to camp and for visiting the coast – the more I realized that I couldn’t keep hanging on to something that was no longer part of my life. I couldn’t keep holding onto Natalie – it wasn’t fair to either of us.

When the summer months drew closer, I started receiving messages from Natalie via social networks, asking about my plans. Telling her I wasn’t coming was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, and after that, I distanced myself from her even more.

Though we were both friends on Facebook, I hardly commented on her updates or ventured to her page. I knew, somehow, though I felt like shit for doing it, that this space was best. It could have never possibly worked between us, and putting ourselves through those summers would only cause more pain. Though I knew that was true, I would never regret our summers together.

As Natalie drifted further from my thoughts, I allowed myself to date other girls. The longer I stayed away from my old life, the more I came to embrace my new one, and I couldn’t have wanted it any other way. Things were falling into place and I was embracing who I was and who I could be.

But now my peace of mind was being disturbed once again. How unfair it was to make me uproot all over again, when I was finally doing so well. How cruel it was to send me to live in that town, in the same vicinity as the only girl I had ever truly cared about, the one that had taken me years to get over.

Amanda knew how difficult the Natalie situation was for me, and tried to avoid talking about it when she could.

“I know you’re Facebook friends with her. You can’t look for yourself?”

I sighed into the phone. “That kind of crap is different from real life. I hardly ever go on there anyway. I was only asking.”

She told me because of the need for more space, Natalie’s family had moved into a larger house. I took a deep breath. This was good news. Having her no longer two houses down would be a good thing.

Amanda was quiet for a long moment. Her voice changed. "Things are different around here, Danny. You need to understand that. People have changed. You’ve also changed. Things just aren't the same." She paused, possibly to think again. "I thought you should know that. So just, don’t be surprised."

Of course I knew that. How could things not change in seven years? I wasn’t expecting things to be like they were when I was ten, or even fifteen. And to be honest, I didn’t want things to be like that.

After that, our conversation turned less serious. Amanda had a way with me. Somehow, she could always make me see the light and could always cheer me up. I trusted her completely and I confided in her, in ways I could not confide in other guys. We kept no secrets from each other. So though I was not thrilled about moving, my parents had been right in assuming I would enjoy spending my last year in high school with her.

A few short weeks, that’s all I had in this place I called home. Then I would be gone, back to my past, only to return briefly for winter break.

Was it fate?

I wasn’t sure I believed in such a thing. I was over her, and we were just friends.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Oh hockey players, so full of aggression